Monday, June 19, 2017

The Things We Say

Five years ago when I started this blog, I made a short post about words uttered in the work place that I never imagined when I graduated from law school.  While I can’t believe I’m still fooling around on this blog, I can’t resist the opportunity to update this list (with a little help from some other legal type friends):

“What is the justification for seeking reimbursement for the beef jerky and condoms as a business expense?”

“No, stupid isn’t a disability. I’m not even sure how you would reasonably accommodate stupidity if it were.”

“Sorry, but dependent benefits does not cover doggy day care.”

“Canada is a different country (from the US).  Alaska, however, is not.”

“Bob, why are you wearing a football helmet to our staff meeting?”

“No, a patient cannot redline the notice of privacy practices.”

“No, just because someone put it on the internet doesn’t mean that you can freely use the code in proprietary software… Please don’t make me explain ‘proprietary’ again.”

“Putting in a pool isn’t a valid business expense, even if you invite everyone over for a party.”

“Should someone go in there and break that up?  Oh hell, do I need to in there and break it up?”

“Don’t get stressed, they’re just like toddlers but not as malicious” – when talking to a young paralegal nervous about dealing with engineering.

“No, you don’t have to reasonably accommodate a millennial by allowing her mom to come to work with her.”

To the infosec guy in the office below – “knock three times on the ceiling if you want me.”

To the board while explaining how targeted behavioral ads work, “ever wonder why you keep getting ads on Viagra?”

“I’m sorry about her cat, but you are within your rights to deny the bereavement leave request on that one.”

“How long has he been standing on top of the file cabinet?”

“Joe, do you know where I can get a piñata?”

“No, use the plastic mini-liquor bottles in the piñata, not the glass ones – they’re a hazard.”

“I don’t want to call your mother, but I will if I have to.”

“Yes, marijuana at work is still a drug issue.”

“No, you can’t not hire her because you have a ‘deal’ with your wife not to be alone in the room with another woman.  Seriously, you do that not every woman wants to have sex with you – right?”

“Our department motto has become, ‘I need a drink’.  I don’t think that’s healthy.”

“Sure, you can put ‘Master of the Universe’ as your title on your business cards – but you still won’t have signing authority.”

 Although sometimes you get to say something like this – “We aided in saving the lives of 19 girls out of sex trafficking today.” (Courtesy of Christine Jones).