With Father’s Day last weekend there has been a lot of press
about the changing roles in families today.
My family is prime example. I
work, sometimes a lot. My husband is a
stay at home dad to our three boys. When
we started this five years ago, it was something of a novelty. We weren’t the first to do it, but there
definitely weren’t a lot of other stay at home dads in our central Texas
neighborhood. Five years later and the
legions of dads taking on primary child care (both working and stay at home
dads) have visibly grown. And that means
we can now welcome these dads into the Mommy Guilt Club.
Mommy Guilt or Parental Guilt is that sinking feeling you
get in the pit of your stomach knowing that you’re missing those first steps,
the first word, the first time they throw a ball or ride a bike. You’ll be there for the second time, but it’s
not the same. It’s also the guilt you
feel for the fact that you actually like being away from the kids and doing
your job. So you feel like a bad parent
because you aren’t there and a worst parent because you’re enjoying your time
away from them.
A lot of this is a new phenomenon; it started with the age
of helicopter parenting and the idea that if you aren’t there during your
child’s early years you are giving them a disadvantage in life. There are studies that back up the idea,
along with studies that say letting your kids watch TV (we do – Dinosaur Train
rocks!) is bad, not making them eat a healthy well balanced meal at every
setting will make them obese (they know the difference between Happy Meals and
Kids Meals, and have a preference), and not reading to them at night will drop
their IQs by a few points (good thing they’re smart to start off with…). There are so many ways of being a “bad”
parent and being a working parent is top of the list.
This makes you feel especially bad when you actually like
being a working parent. Taking time off
to be with the kids makes you feel guilty that you’re not finishing that brief
or haven’t yet reviewed that contract.
There’s always a pile of stuff on your desk that should be looked at but
hasn’t been yet. So when you take the
half day to watch your baby graduate from Kindergarten, you’re struck by the
fact that you’ve missed so much of his life and still aren’t on top of
everything at work. It feels like a
lose-lose in every possible way.
So how can you deal with the dreaded Parental Guilt? What is my grand advice? Relax.
No one is a perfect parent. Those
that stay at home and are with their kids 24/7 have the same concerns you
do. And no one is a perfect
employee. Those without kids never clean
their desks either. The real secret to
success is understanding that you can’t be everything all of the time. So focus on what’s in front of you. If you’re working, trust your child’s
caregiver to take care of him. Focus on
your work. Don’t worry about missing the
first whatever. It’s more important that
you’re there for the ones that come after.
If you give all of your attention to your employer during working hours,
then it will be easier to actually have off hours. And when you’re off, focus on the
family. Don’t keep going over your to do
list in your head when you should be playing “What dinosaur am I?” with your 5
year old. Be present mentally, not just
physically, and the time that you do get with the family will be truly quality
time. They’ll remember that more than
whether you saw their first goal or not.
It’s hard, I know. I
still struggle with it every day. But a
few ground rules can help. I take the kids
to school in the morning and once a week we have breakfast (thank you IHOP!)
before school/work. Phone is off and I
just listen to how his week is going.
Then I get to work, usually an hour or two before everyone else -
internet company, we don’t officially start until 9-9:30ish… And I focus on work. I don’t call the hubs to see how the boys are
doing, although he does kindly send me pics of cute stuff every so often. Barring some time sensitive matter (and no,
you’re lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part), I leave
the office by 5:30. I have dinner, an
hour of play time and bed time rituals with the boys. I focus on them; I try really hard not to check
my phone until after they’ve gone to bed.
I’ll work till 2am if necessary – after they’ve gone to bed. But those 2 hours every night are precious
and work is not allowed.
So far, this has worked for me. I’m not sure what adjustments we’ll need to
make as they get older or my career grows.
For now, I’ve made a tentative truce with my mommy guilt. It’s not strong, but I’ll take what I can
get. So what do you do to manage the
parental guilt?
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