Five years ago when I
started this blog, I made a short post about words uttered in the work place that I never imagined when I graduated
from law school. While I can’t believe I’m
still fooling around on this blog, I can’t resist the opportunity to update
this list (with a little help from some other legal type friends):
“What is the
justification for seeking reimbursement for the beef jerky and condoms as a
business expense?”
“No, stupid isn’t a
disability. I’m not even sure how you would reasonably accommodate stupidity if
it were.”
“Sorry, but dependent
benefits does not cover doggy day care.”
“Canada is a different
country (from the US). Alaska, however,
is not.”
“Bob, why are you
wearing a football helmet to our staff meeting?”
“No, a patient cannot
redline the notice of privacy practices.”
“No, just because
someone put it on the internet doesn’t mean that you can freely use the code in
proprietary software… Please don’t make me explain ‘proprietary’ again.”
“Putting in a pool isn’t
a valid business expense, even if you invite everyone over for a party.”
“Should someone go in
there and break that up? Oh hell, do I
need to in there and break it up?”
“Don’t get stressed,
they’re just like toddlers but not as malicious” – when talking to a young paralegal
nervous about dealing with engineering.
“No, you don’t have to
reasonably accommodate a millennial by allowing her mom to come to work with
her.”
To the infosec guy in
the office below – “knock three times on the ceiling if you want me.”
To the board while
explaining how targeted behavioral ads work, “ever wonder why you keep getting
ads on Viagra?”
“I’m sorry about her
cat, but you are within your rights to deny the bereavement leave request on
that one.”
“How long has he been
standing on top of the file cabinet?”
“Joe, do you know
where I can get a piñata?”
“No, use the plastic
mini-liquor bottles in the piñata, not the glass ones – they’re a hazard.”
“I don’t want to call
your mother, but I will if I have to.”
“Yes, marijuana at
work is still a drug issue.”
“No, you can’t not
hire her because you have a ‘deal’ with your wife not to be alone in the room
with another woman. Seriously, you do
that not every woman wants to have sex with you – right?”
“Our department motto
has become, ‘I need a drink’. I don’t
think that’s healthy.”
“Sure, you can put ‘Master
of the Universe’ as your title on your business cards – but you still won’t
have signing authority.”
Although sometimes you get
to say something like this – “We aided in saving the lives of 19 girls out of
sex trafficking today.” (Courtesy of Christine Jones).
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